Apologise for the CZY EMONESS I've displayed for the last 2 weeks!!! it's so unvictor like i know. I blame it on zy for introducing EMOness to the BC. BUT IF U WANT ANY MORE EMONESS PLS DUN READ THIS POST!!!






















Spirit's kinda low. guess i'm still feeling emo huh? heart break heart break lor. What truly irks me is that i waited 5 months hoping in vain. All the time of waiting and the little twist of fate which so happens she finds her BF in that time. 5 months of hope turn to ashes in an instant. actually the relly frustrating thing is tht this is the 2nd? 3rd time EXACT or almost exact same thing happeningto me. and to think i had a line of activites lined up too for when she came back to sg. ah the irony here can literally kill a person. poof. so much for spending hrs surfing veggie websites (there good veggie/famous stalls at my work area too) for good stalls to go to. blah. Does this explain why i've been moody lately b4 lunch william? The worst part is talking to her pretending everything's the same as it ever was. HAIZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. THink i will ignore her till i rearrange myself fully once more. Pretending isn't helping me get over this.

and an example of work which irritated me tremendously today. some old woman telling me her sob story of can't find work etc etc and pls help her find a job. Of course i gave the standard yes yes answer. But SERIOUSLY, i'm not really in the mood these days to be the one comforting pple k?

of course such saddness did lead me to analyse my character deeper. after all it didn't make sense on why 1 more failure shld have such a huge negative effect on mr overlord here. therefore upon deeper self analyse (including long walks up and down my garden , a lovely garden u must admit), i realise the key pt was that i was kinda lonely in a way i think. Don't get me wrong, i kinda "love" my friends, u know the kses, multi arrowings, emoness, outings etc etc, but could be my TOTAL UTTER LACK of social life in UniSIM. I mean after all 1-3x per week lessons aren't really good foundations for new friendship. also considering that everyone or almost everyone comes straight from work makes it seem like everyone is on life support just to come for lessons. I've seen rocks showing more attention at times. 3rd pt will be oh the fucking age difference. Is studying the enlgish language such a chore that 99.99% of young pple my age avoid it? Of course maybe working as a perm part timer helps in a way that it takes my mind off personal issues.

I do admit i feel a slight pang of jealousy? no..envy when i see pple in NTU, NUS with new friends. LOL especially at those graduation ceremonies. Take pictures with 1 huge brunch of friends. At the way my life is going, by the time of my ceremony, haha i htink the only one taking photos with me will be my parents...no skip that...i wouldn't even ask them to waste their time coming. okok MAYBE 1-2 "friends" will be with me. oh well...i guess i will just get my scroll or watever it is and dump it into my car and drive the 5mins ride home i guess.

ah well, let those staunch Christians (hx will be one soon lor!!!) will say, I leave my fate in the Lord's hand. I wouldn't really call myself a staunch Christian..i follow the beliefs the teachings i guess to be kind helpful, be a good person, but i can't really be a staunch believer i think. Could be the cynical and apathy attitude that's inbuilt to me i think. I'm an idealistic realist. I want to hope for the best, i wish for the best for pple humanity etc. But in my heart i think humankind's more or less doomed alrdy. For every 100 good pple in the world, there's at least 5000 evil pple lurking ard. Demoralising isn't it?


(i think taking care of my newborn neice from October onwards will take my mind off my troubles, but the problem will of course still remain)

and now when i need music, the fucking blog showing error which i can't have my soothing FFX music. wah lieu. when it rain it pours.

anyway today's my chinese birthday (according to my grandma who memoriesd not only all the relatives chinese and english birth dates but also the telephone numbers)


So 生日快乐张家平. (last 3 chinese words are my chinese name of course, yes i know i don't use them often). If only i can feel happy when i'm alone.